journal

mar 28th 2021

i keep being away a lot cause i have a lot of homework. this last week has been marked by cramps and various pains which prevented me from studying so i'll have to work extra hard in the next days. i had a big allergic reaction two days ago and i don't know what caused it. on the bright side, i've started watching telly every night with my boyfriend. it makes both of us very happy.

feb 14th 2021

i've been offline so much again i'm sorry but i'm just so tired. i haven't found much time to read books/comics or write reviews and it makes my website look so dumb but i just can't do it. i can barely keep up with school. this week i couldn't even work out cause i got sick and now i hate how my body looks. not that i liked it before, but at least i felt like i could make some progress. i hate having bad genetics.
i've been trying to meditate before i fall asleep so i can have more vivid dreams but i'm always so tired i end up falling asleep too quickly.
i always feel like my head is buzzing and the only way i can make it stop is to be busy but being busy is difficult cause i can't focus so even when i have free time i can't do anything fulfilling.
also i can't choose a university and my dad wants me to see a therapist cause i have "anxiety" (trauma) and goddamnit i don't want anyone diagnosing me with shit that might take my autonomy away.
anyway i had a nice valentine's day date

feb 6th 2021

i feel bad about not updating for a while but i've just been so busy. i haven't had a proper shower in days. school in class just started again and now we have 4 whole days of staying out till 5 and then working on projects and doing homework. the worst though is group projects. we dan't do those! half of the class lives in a different country!
at least it's easier to make friends irl when you have nothing in common. not that my social skills are good, but i like being around nice people. it's tiring, but it feels good. also, i've learned that if people just hang around with you they start to care. and i'm pretty good at small talk cause my mum would guilt trip me if i didn't do it with her lol.
you gotta ask people what they did and if they tell you something you ask them more about it. it's not really polite to be so analytical about this but it helps me make friends. also, sometimes i ramble about my old school and i have no idea if people are actually interested or if they're just being nice. teenage coke dealers are interesting, right?
anyway, i invented my own writing system so people won't be able to peek through my stuff if i don't want them to

feb 2nd 2021

yesterday i started up pokémon moon again and now i'm very close to completing my pokédex. a friend helped me with porygon, now i just need to evolve one at night and another one through happiness (and also catch vanillite grrr i hate how rare it is)
i'm still watching spn and sometimes it's good. sometimes it's not. today though my cinema prof asked us if we had ever seen it cause he needed to explain what a benshi is (the name comes from banshee) and i almost lost it right there. i got to explain pacific rim though which is pretty cool.
i'm bummed that we have p.e. now.. i have a presentation on bodybuilding. talk about unnecessary classes.

jan 26th 2021

i drew a lot today. seventh doctor fans cmere pspsps

jan 24th 2021

yesterday i got woken up by an asthma attack, today by my parents fighting. fun. the good part of today though is that we went in the garage and we found my schleich horse collection!! i'm gonna make a horse page to include all horse-related stuff cause i forgot how much i like those big boys.

jan 21th 2021

had a physics test today and it went pretty well! i had to write some sort of poem for art history but i was super embarrassed so it's a bit shit.
i ended up watching like 8 episodes of spn yesterday i think i'm gonna hyperfixate. kinda cringe but it's also not that bad sometimes. some episodes WERE bad though like wow. but yeah i don't know. episodic speculative fiction is my jam even though the tone can get a bit dull.
well that's not to say that i only watch episodic tv show, but i tend to like those more cause if they have a dumb plot it's contained you know?
anyway, we have art history now. i hope i didn't misunderstand the assignment.

jan 20th 2021

i caved in and started watching spn. it's a weird show, it's like.. i like it but i also don't. it's convenient that it's on the telly so i can watch it during lunch an also legally lol. in case you're worried i'm gonna pull a superwholock: i won't. i don't really like bbc sherlock and every dw+spn crossover i see makes me cringe.
anyway, we had a few free hours today so i made a carbonara for lunch since i actually had time to cook. it was good, i'm pretty proud of myself. i usually mess up the salt.

jan 17th 2021

my parents keep telling me to choose a uni but i have no idea what to do. i'm actually getting suicidal again cause i know i'll barely get through high school, and surely not with the marks they want from me, but they keep insisting that i'm not even trying. 'cause i got a 7.5 in science (which was simple stuff everyone knows) and a 6.5 in history (which is an oral test on a lot of different things and you have to expose it perfectly). they know i have problems talking. they know i will stop suddenly and stutter but they say that, because i was able to write down a few facts about the human body, i must have no problems and therefore i'm just lazy. they also keep reminding me that my school is for stupid people so wow, guess i'm too stupid even for that. also, i don't have half of the books. they were supposed to be on my account but, because of the schedule we have, it's nearly impossible for me to tell the staff. so that's great too. they keep threathening me over things i have no control over love that.

jan 12th 2021

over the last 2 days i made my stepmother watch the third season of nuwho. she was sad that martha and the doctor didn't get together in the end. idk if telling her every joke that was changed in the dub made me come off as annoying tbh.

jan 6th 2021

first entry, not sure what to say. not in the mood to go back to class at all. don't wanna get sick. too much homework and i don't even know how to do some of it. same old same old. i got my hair cut and it went from, like, my bangs reaching my chin to a normal cut, a bit longer on top. i'm glad i don't look like a girl anymore, but now i'm self conscious about my ears lol. also, my head looks bigger somehow. i hope i'll get used to it again.

jan 4th 2021

(entry added retroactively) i've never coded before. the most i got to do was formatting fanfiction when i was 12. i guess this all doesn't look so bad if you take that into consideration.


dream diary

mar 28th 2021

i dreamt i was holding a giant egg that felt like a soft-boiled one without a shell but i knew it would somehow hatch into a child. i was in a distorted version of my dad's old apartment, which is a recurring location albeit slightly different every time, and another thing that wasn't new was parenthood. i get dreams where i'm a father quite often for my age, although in the last one i had a toddler and i was living in a council estate. i'm pretty sure the egg and its fragility reflect my worries about my stepmother's pregnancy and the possibility of a miscarriage. symbolic dreams are also not that rare for me and i almost feel cheated when they occur. this dream in particular left me quite shaken and i woke up crying. it didn't look like a nightmare but it felt like one.

jan 16th 2021

tonight's dream was pretty elaborate. i will spare the more nonsensical details, but i will say that it moved across various sets (a beach, a mountain village, a trailer) and the end of the world came closer and closer. people were starting to abandon everything. i was dating a guy and i kept polaroids of him in my pocket. i was living with my stepdad and some random woman and when he found the pictures he abandoned us cause he "needed some normalcy". i don't know how to interpret that.

jan 15th 2021

i dreamt that my usernames to other websites had been turned into gibberish and i couldn't change them back. bizzarre but not very exciting

>"take me back one step!"

>"take me back home!"